Post by Bardigan on Dec 3, 2014 1:17:01 GMT -5
Apple Bloom gets an unexpected addition to the family in the form of a pony-shaped golem of unknown origin.
------------------------
Bardigan came by earlier in the morning. He was dragging something in a cart he claimed to have found at the edge of the Everfree Forest. Covered in tarp, he said Apple Bloom might find some use for it, since he couldn't puzzle it out. Dropping it off at Sweet Apple Acres' front gate, he left soon after for Apple Bloom to care for. Assuming she took off the tarp, first a giant geyser waited for her. And beneath, the rusted surface of old metal, wood... and the gleaming gem of an eye. It is a pony-shaped golem of some kind - pony shaped except for all the gilded decoration and pipes and tubes, of course.
This definitely is the sort of project Apple Bloom likes to get into with her mechanical brain. Sometimes it's nice to take a break from trying ot find her super special talent and go for a skill she earned for herself instead. She's rummaging through the parts. Was it too much to ask for a schematic of this thing? Still, imagine the potential if she fixes this up! "Hmmm..."
The parts are mostly what you'd expect out of a golem: arcane batteries all but dry, wires snapped or out of place, a storage compartment that was apparently used to keep cider bottles cool, and of course the sturdy metal composites to make up most of its limbs. The joints are covered in filth, one of the gem eyes is cracked. The shiny metal plates that made up its body needs a good polishing, and one of the steam pipes is bent out of alignment. It looks like hard work - but something like this is hard to come by, and would be a priceless addition to the farm. Only master smiths in Canterlot would have made it, which just raises the question of how it was found decaying in the forest.
Apple Bloom pounds a few times on the head to test the toughness of the material. She'll need to move this to her hangar, she thinks. Has all her tools there. It takes some doing, but the filly has things loaded back up on the cart, and she begins to hitch herself up. May need some good parts replacement. Maybe power this thing with a magic core instead of those old dusty batteries.
When Apple Bloom gives it a good whack, three things happen. One is that her hoof hurts, because it's a *solid* piece of junk. Another is that one of the golem's gem eyes (the cracked one) suddenly sparks. Also from a grilled mouthpiece comes the noise "BVVVRRRT."
"OH FER CRAWIN'--" Apple Bloom shouts in surprise, falling away from the wreckage, peeking out from behind one of the many apple trees on the lot. Okay, she may want to write that down. Maybe those old dusty batteries are still at least... partly usable? The filly approaches the remains again to have a closer look.
From the golem comes a noise not unlike a very slowly collapsing building. "BVVVRRRRT. UUUUUURRRRRT. KKKCCCHT. VVVVV." The eyes are still alight, somehow - there is the distinct feeling of being *watched.* Perhaps that last whack put something back into place? Congratulations Apple Bloom, you've mastered the art of fixing things by hitting them really hard!
Apple Bloom is NOT going to make a not eof that. One thing she learned designing the Crusader is hitting stuff hard isn't really that good a technique. She creeps up, then climbs back into the wreckage. She listens, trying to find the source of the sound. Snout... okiedokie. Apple Bloom tries to pick up the head and get it off to the side.
The head pops right off the thing's neck with disturbing ease with a loud *KER-CLACK.* There's a mess of wires inside it, all connected to a single box - several of the connections look loose. "BCCCCKKK. UUUUUURT. KKKCCHT. VREEEE," says the golem. It seems to be trying to say something, and several of those frayed wires *do* go to the speaker at the mouth...
Apple Bloom frowns. Loose wires? Now she really wishes she had a schematic. She takes a closer look at the wires. Guesses she'll have to see if any torn leads are still connected to the voice box, and match colors up.
The colors of the wires are faded, but a few of them seem obvious - really, most of them just need a tightened screw here and there. Gradually, the scattered static becomes clearer. The flickering gem lights suddenly brighten even more, and the light inside seems to angle towards Apple Bloom. "BACK UP," a much clearer, though still static-afflicted voice says out of the speaker. If it was a pony, it sounds like it would be a stallion. A rather high-pitched, almost nervous sounding stallion at that. "BACK UP. CONNECT ME. BACK UP. NEED BACK UP. CONNECT ME TO magIC. WHY is THe WOrlD SIDEwaYS? COnneCT ME PLEASE."
The colors of the wires are faded, but a few of them seem obvious - really, most of them just need a tightened screw here and there. Gradually, the scattered static becomes clearer. The flickering gem lights suddenly brighten even more, and the light inside seems to angle towards Apple Bloom. "BACK UP," a much clearer, though still static-afflicted voice says out of the speaker. If it was a pony, it sounds like it would be a stallion. A rather high-pitched, almost nervous sounding stallion at that. "BACK UP. CONNECT ME. BACK UP. NEED BACK UP. CONNECT ME TO magIC. WHY is THe WOrlD SIDEwaYS? COnneCT ME PLEASE."
"Well, all ah got're these old batteries o'yers... mawt haive somethin' in mah hangar..." Apple Bloom says, picking up the head and placing it... well, not back on the neck, back in the cart. "Gonna take y'all there."
"Need EMERGENcY POWER. YOU ARE MAGIC. CONNECT ME to YOUR magIC PLEASE," the golem says. "IT IS SIMPLE AND MOSTLY PainLESS."
"Uh... ah'm an earth pony. Won't work, ah ain't magic." Apple Bloom says. "Jus' hold yer horses. Ah kin get y'all a spare magic core if ya jus' hold on already." Okay, this is another first: Project DEMANDING something from the filly. The Crusader was never so rude.
"ALL ponIES ArE MAGic," the golem responds. "YOU ARE MAGIC. NEED emerGENCY POweR. WHY DO YOU DEPRIVE ME??"
Cheeky thing. Maybe that's why it was in the Everfree, it kept annoying whoever owned it last. "'Cause hookin' mahself up t'somethin' ah jus'... uh... 'met' don't sound safe?" Apple Bloom says, looking at the head. "Y'all got a name?"
"iT IS PERFectLY SAFE. THERE IS AN ACCESS PORT on MY boTTOM. TOUCH MY BOTTOM TO ACCESS," the golem replies. "I HAVE NO NAME. I WAS NOT LOVED VERY MUCH I THINK."
<OOC> Tweed-Patches eats cucumber sandwiches, and sips tea. He has a solution to this. Applebloom just needs to scribe a geomantic circle upon the earth around the golem, salute the four winds, and make the proper offerings, then when daimon arrives from the elemental plain, it can charge the poor golem.
<OOC> Apple_Bloom says, "AH NEED AN ADULT"
<OOC> Tweed-Patches has no opinon about golem bottoms though. He leaves that for his students to do o.o;
"Touch yer WHAT?" Apple Bloom says. She decides to just have a look. "Cai't y'all wait fer a more PERMANENT source? Lawk.... 15 minutes?"
"NO," says the golem. The access port is right where it said it would be: conspicuously around the flank region. One little metal flap opens to a small brass knob. This must be thing it wants her to touch.
Apple Bloom still thinks that this is a bad idea as she reaches toward the golem's flank and gently touches its knob. "... Lawk this?"
<OOC> Hollyhock says, "..."
<OOC> You say, "You came in at exactly the right moment."
Almost immediately there is a feeling like an electric shock. A shiver runs all the way up Apple Bloom's leg, and then a loud *ZAP* noise as something feels like it is *pulled* from Apple's body and into the golem's. It hurts, a little bit, but mostly leaves her hoof feeling numb. The golem, for being inanimate and rusty and still quite immobile, seems ecstatic. "RESERVE CRYSTAL acTIVE. YOU SAVED MY LIFE. I WILL BE YOUR sErVaNt. PRIMARY MATRIX AT thirty PERCENT chARGE. I CAN FEEL MY HEAD. I FEEL SMART AGAIN." it says. There is a heavy pause. "THE WORLD IS STILL sideWAYS. PLEASE fix THAT."
"Ow!" As soon as the Golem is done, she shakes her hook firmly. Apple Bloom glares. "Y'all coulda warned me." The filly grumbles, climbing back onto the cart. "Yer sure yer smart?" Apple Bloom says, picking up the head and examining it.
"COMPARED TO SOME CREATURES YES, i AM," the golem says. The gem eyes spark as the little lights inside them swivel back and forth. "I CAN SEE THE OUTSIDE. I DO NOT LIKE THE OUTSIDE. THERE COULD BE ASSASSINS." Then it seems to notice the hangar. "WHERE ARE we? WHY ARE MY AUDIO recepTOrS deTECiNG PIGS? HAVE I BEEN CONVERTED INTO A FARM TRACTOR? mY fOrMER MASTER SAID I WOULD. HE WAS NOT NICE."
"Assassins?" Apple Bloom asks in confusion. Compared to WHAT creatures is this golem smarter? Apple Bloom tries to answer the rest of the questions quickly as she starts unloading the cart. "We're in Ponyville. Because we haive pigs. No, yer not a tractor. And who was yer former master?"
"I DON'T REALLY KNOW. HE LEFT ME TO SLOWLY DECAY IN A FOREST. I ASSUME HE WAS NOT A NICE PONY," says the golem. "ARE YOU GOING TO BE NICE? YOU PULLED OFF MY HEAD. BUT YOU GAVE ME MAGIC AND SHOWED ME THE WORLD SIDEWAYS. I THINK THAT IS NICE."
"Well, yer a machine. Gettin' taken apart's part of yer... uh... lawf? Ah guess. Ah mean, how else kin someone fix y'all up if they cain't open y'all or remove somethin'?" Apple Bloom doesn't exactly believe the golem's all put together anyway. "Mawt haive to agin anyway, since we're gonna need t'overhaul yer power system, polish y'all up nawce, too. Also, y'all gotta cracked awe there."
"JUST BECAUSE I AM A GOLEM DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT HAVE feeLINGS," the golem says petulantly, or at least makes a good effort at *sounding* petulant. "I CAN FEEL maNY THINGS. I FEEL THE LACK OF POWER IN MY CENTRAL CRYSTAL MATRIX. I FEEL A DISTINCT LACK OF CHARGE IN MY teleKINESIS MODULE. RESTORING THOSE WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL."
"Y'all mean t'tell me yer not supposed t'haive parts removed?" Apple Bloom asks, then has a closer look at the golem. "Unless y'all kin use magic cores, ah haive t'replace at least some o'yer power system."
"I WAS BUILT TO be A VERY GOOD GOLEM," it says. "I WOULD PREFER A THauMATURGIC RUNIC TRANSFER. SYSTEM. WITH. EIGHT HUNDRED chanNELS AND A TWENTY-FOUR. FOCAL POINT GEM MATRIX. BUT SECONDHOOF FARM EQUIPMENT MIGHT WORK. I AM MADE TO WORK IN ALMOST ANY situATION. I HOPE your REPLAMCENT paRtS DO NOT MAKE ME EXPLODE." There is a pregnant pause. "I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE IF I EXPLODE."
"Secondhoof!" Apple Bloom says, as if insulted. "Does mah hangar look lawk i's got secondhoof parts?" Apple Bloom starts rummaging a bit. "C'mon, a magic core should more than handle th'sorta volume y'all need, but ah'm gonna need t'git one. Ah mean, ah'm not even sure they MAKE those gem matrixes no more." Apple Bloom doesn't seem to find anything she could use here. "How long kin y'all last on yer current charge?"
"ABOUT TEN MINUTES," is the blunt answer.
Cripes. Who knew golems were such high maintenence? "Geez, an' ah jus' started gittin' feelin' back in mah hoof." Apple Bloom says. She walks over to the golem and starts getting the pieces all strewn about the floor. You know. Organized. Yeah.
"YOU ARE MY NEW MASTER. I SHALL NOW TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS I RECALL BEING GOOD AT." There is a short pause. "I CANNOT REMEMBER ANYTHING I AM GOOD AT. I MAY NEED A QUICK DIAGNOSTIC WHEN I CAN MOVE AGAIN."
"Yer a lemon?" Apple Bloom asks, then moves around to the side of the Crusader and opens the engine panel. "What's th'last thing y'all remember?"
You say "I THINK THERE WAS VIOLENCE. OR MY MASTER HAD DRUNK TOO MUCH WINE. THERE WAS AN EXPLOSION," the golem answers. Its voice is halting. Could it be the power fading, or some intimation of emotion? "THE EXPLOSION MIGHT HAVE BEEN ASSASSINS. OR. MAYBE. I BROKE SOMETHING. THEN THERE WAS A CART. I WAS TRAVELLING. THEN THE WOODS. A LONG DARKNESS. OH DEAR. MY MASTER LEFT ME IN THE WOODS." Another long pause. "I AM SAD."
Apple Bloom rolls out the sliding chassis containing the Crusader's magic core. Phew. "Ah'm gonna give y'all a bit of a charge. And what's all this about 'assassins?'" Apple Bloom asks, then moves to gather some tools.
"MY MASTER WAS NOT NICE," is the blunt reply. "HE. WAS A WIZARD WONDER. OR WAS HE A WIZARD PLUMBER? PERHAPS HE BROKE SOMEPONY'S TOILET AND THEY wanTED RE-VENGE."
Apple Bloom seems to attach some sort of cabling to the engine, before running it out to the golem. "Where's that input panel agin?"
"ON MY bottOM." The golem's eyes flicker. "MY MASTER MENTIONED MANY ASSASSINS. DO YOU NEED proTECTING FROM ASSASSINS?"
"... Ah'm an apple farmin' filly." Apple Bloom says, then jams the end of the cable right into the port. "Now don't take too much. This here's desawned fer somethin' much bigger'n more powerfuller'n y'all."
There's a loud humming noise, which quickly grows into a massive thrum. The golem's eyes burst into gleaming points of light as power is slurped from the engine, drunk hungrily by a magical battery years out of service. The wire crackles with arcane energy. The golem's legs creak and groan and squeal with the grind of metal on metal, and then the thing *moves.* In one fluid movement it stands up and walks, dragging the cord along with it until it is yanked from the input knob with a loud *ZAP*. The golem looks left, then right. "SYSTEMS FULLY CHARGED," it declares. "SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT EFFICENCY." It takes a step to the door... it walks through the door. It *crushes* the door on the way out, regardless of how big it is. "I FEEL HAPPY. I CAN SEE IN COLOR. I CAN MOVE AGAIN." It turns back to regard the smashed doorway. "I HAVE BROKEN SOMETHING."
Apple Bloom looks up at the door frame. She doesn't seem... overly bothered. Maybe a little. "Oh, t'ain't nothin'. Ah mean, ah cause mah own share. At least three scorch marks here in th'hangar were all me."
"THEN IT IS ALL RIGHT FOR ME TO BREAK THINGS? I REQUIRE CALIBRATION FOR MY KINETIC SENSORS. OTHERWISE I MIGHT CRUSH YOUR SKULL, AND THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BAD." The golem regards its rusty hoof curiously. "ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME A NAME? i WOUld lIKE A name."
"Ah'm not sayin' that. Ah'm jus' sayin' ah'm not gonna treat y'all accidentally breakin' stuff as a big deal so long as y'all-- Sweet Celestia y'all're direct." Apple Bloom finally says to the crushing skull comment.
"THERE IS NO sPEll FOR TACT," the golem says. "WILL YOU GIVE ME A NAME?"
"What name y'all want?" Apple Bloom asks, gathering a different set of tools and begins poking at the golem's body.
The golem makes a great show of tapping itself on the chin as if in thought. It goes *CLANG CLANG CLANG.* "I AM NOT SURE. I WAS NOT DEsignED TO givE MYSELF A NAME. I CANNOT COMPREHEND THE MEANING OF A NAME. THEREFORE I WILL COMBINE DIFFERENT WORDS UNTIL YOU LIKE ONE." There's a burst of static. Maybe that's it trying to clear its throat. "FOAL MEAT GARDENING. GIANT WING NUT. SPIDER FACE. MUNCH THE TAIL. [BUY SOME APPLES. BUY SOME APPLES. BUY SOME] DOGGY TREATS."
Sweet Celestia, this poor Golem. Some might argue poor Apple Bloom but she is growing up on a farm. "Uh... y'all do WHAT t'doggy treats?" Apple Bloom rubs her head. She decides perhaps it is up to her to come up with a name. "Uh... Silver... um,... Silver..."
From the distance, there is the sound of another one of Pinkie's spontaneous song and dance numbers. It's a familiar one. "SMILE," says the golem. "SILVER SMILE."
------------------------
Bardigan came by earlier in the morning. He was dragging something in a cart he claimed to have found at the edge of the Everfree Forest. Covered in tarp, he said Apple Bloom might find some use for it, since he couldn't puzzle it out. Dropping it off at Sweet Apple Acres' front gate, he left soon after for Apple Bloom to care for. Assuming she took off the tarp, first a giant geyser waited for her. And beneath, the rusted surface of old metal, wood... and the gleaming gem of an eye. It is a pony-shaped golem of some kind - pony shaped except for all the gilded decoration and pipes and tubes, of course.
This definitely is the sort of project Apple Bloom likes to get into with her mechanical brain. Sometimes it's nice to take a break from trying ot find her super special talent and go for a skill she earned for herself instead. She's rummaging through the parts. Was it too much to ask for a schematic of this thing? Still, imagine the potential if she fixes this up! "Hmmm..."
The parts are mostly what you'd expect out of a golem: arcane batteries all but dry, wires snapped or out of place, a storage compartment that was apparently used to keep cider bottles cool, and of course the sturdy metal composites to make up most of its limbs. The joints are covered in filth, one of the gem eyes is cracked. The shiny metal plates that made up its body needs a good polishing, and one of the steam pipes is bent out of alignment. It looks like hard work - but something like this is hard to come by, and would be a priceless addition to the farm. Only master smiths in Canterlot would have made it, which just raises the question of how it was found decaying in the forest.
Apple Bloom pounds a few times on the head to test the toughness of the material. She'll need to move this to her hangar, she thinks. Has all her tools there. It takes some doing, but the filly has things loaded back up on the cart, and she begins to hitch herself up. May need some good parts replacement. Maybe power this thing with a magic core instead of those old dusty batteries.
When Apple Bloom gives it a good whack, three things happen. One is that her hoof hurts, because it's a *solid* piece of junk. Another is that one of the golem's gem eyes (the cracked one) suddenly sparks. Also from a grilled mouthpiece comes the noise "BVVVRRRT."
"OH FER CRAWIN'--" Apple Bloom shouts in surprise, falling away from the wreckage, peeking out from behind one of the many apple trees on the lot. Okay, she may want to write that down. Maybe those old dusty batteries are still at least... partly usable? The filly approaches the remains again to have a closer look.
From the golem comes a noise not unlike a very slowly collapsing building. "BVVVRRRRT. UUUUUURRRRRT. KKKCCCHT. VVVVV." The eyes are still alight, somehow - there is the distinct feeling of being *watched.* Perhaps that last whack put something back into place? Congratulations Apple Bloom, you've mastered the art of fixing things by hitting them really hard!
Apple Bloom is NOT going to make a not eof that. One thing she learned designing the Crusader is hitting stuff hard isn't really that good a technique. She creeps up, then climbs back into the wreckage. She listens, trying to find the source of the sound. Snout... okiedokie. Apple Bloom tries to pick up the head and get it off to the side.
The head pops right off the thing's neck with disturbing ease with a loud *KER-CLACK.* There's a mess of wires inside it, all connected to a single box - several of the connections look loose. "BCCCCKKK. UUUUUURT. KKKCCHT. VREEEE," says the golem. It seems to be trying to say something, and several of those frayed wires *do* go to the speaker at the mouth...
Apple Bloom frowns. Loose wires? Now she really wishes she had a schematic. She takes a closer look at the wires. Guesses she'll have to see if any torn leads are still connected to the voice box, and match colors up.
The colors of the wires are faded, but a few of them seem obvious - really, most of them just need a tightened screw here and there. Gradually, the scattered static becomes clearer. The flickering gem lights suddenly brighten even more, and the light inside seems to angle towards Apple Bloom. "BACK UP," a much clearer, though still static-afflicted voice says out of the speaker. If it was a pony, it sounds like it would be a stallion. A rather high-pitched, almost nervous sounding stallion at that. "BACK UP. CONNECT ME. BACK UP. NEED BACK UP. CONNECT ME TO magIC. WHY is THe WOrlD SIDEwaYS? COnneCT ME PLEASE."
The colors of the wires are faded, but a few of them seem obvious - really, most of them just need a tightened screw here and there. Gradually, the scattered static becomes clearer. The flickering gem lights suddenly brighten even more, and the light inside seems to angle towards Apple Bloom. "BACK UP," a much clearer, though still static-afflicted voice says out of the speaker. If it was a pony, it sounds like it would be a stallion. A rather high-pitched, almost nervous sounding stallion at that. "BACK UP. CONNECT ME. BACK UP. NEED BACK UP. CONNECT ME TO magIC. WHY is THe WOrlD SIDEwaYS? COnneCT ME PLEASE."
"Well, all ah got're these old batteries o'yers... mawt haive somethin' in mah hangar..." Apple Bloom says, picking up the head and placing it... well, not back on the neck, back in the cart. "Gonna take y'all there."
"Need EMERGENcY POWER. YOU ARE MAGIC. CONNECT ME to YOUR magIC PLEASE," the golem says. "IT IS SIMPLE AND MOSTLY PainLESS."
"Uh... ah'm an earth pony. Won't work, ah ain't magic." Apple Bloom says. "Jus' hold yer horses. Ah kin get y'all a spare magic core if ya jus' hold on already." Okay, this is another first: Project DEMANDING something from the filly. The Crusader was never so rude.
"ALL ponIES ArE MAGic," the golem responds. "YOU ARE MAGIC. NEED emerGENCY POweR. WHY DO YOU DEPRIVE ME??"
Cheeky thing. Maybe that's why it was in the Everfree, it kept annoying whoever owned it last. "'Cause hookin' mahself up t'somethin' ah jus'... uh... 'met' don't sound safe?" Apple Bloom says, looking at the head. "Y'all got a name?"
"iT IS PERFectLY SAFE. THERE IS AN ACCESS PORT on MY boTTOM. TOUCH MY BOTTOM TO ACCESS," the golem replies. "I HAVE NO NAME. I WAS NOT LOVED VERY MUCH I THINK."
<OOC> Tweed-Patches eats cucumber sandwiches, and sips tea. He has a solution to this. Applebloom just needs to scribe a geomantic circle upon the earth around the golem, salute the four winds, and make the proper offerings, then when daimon arrives from the elemental plain, it can charge the poor golem.
<OOC> Apple_Bloom says, "AH NEED AN ADULT"
<OOC> Tweed-Patches has no opinon about golem bottoms though. He leaves that for his students to do o.o;
"Touch yer WHAT?" Apple Bloom says. She decides to just have a look. "Cai't y'all wait fer a more PERMANENT source? Lawk.... 15 minutes?"
"NO," says the golem. The access port is right where it said it would be: conspicuously around the flank region. One little metal flap opens to a small brass knob. This must be thing it wants her to touch.
Apple Bloom still thinks that this is a bad idea as she reaches toward the golem's flank and gently touches its knob. "... Lawk this?"
<OOC> Hollyhock says, "..."
<OOC> You say, "You came in at exactly the right moment."
Almost immediately there is a feeling like an electric shock. A shiver runs all the way up Apple Bloom's leg, and then a loud *ZAP* noise as something feels like it is *pulled* from Apple's body and into the golem's. It hurts, a little bit, but mostly leaves her hoof feeling numb. The golem, for being inanimate and rusty and still quite immobile, seems ecstatic. "RESERVE CRYSTAL acTIVE. YOU SAVED MY LIFE. I WILL BE YOUR sErVaNt. PRIMARY MATRIX AT thirty PERCENT chARGE. I CAN FEEL MY HEAD. I FEEL SMART AGAIN." it says. There is a heavy pause. "THE WORLD IS STILL sideWAYS. PLEASE fix THAT."
"Ow!" As soon as the Golem is done, she shakes her hook firmly. Apple Bloom glares. "Y'all coulda warned me." The filly grumbles, climbing back onto the cart. "Yer sure yer smart?" Apple Bloom says, picking up the head and examining it.
"COMPARED TO SOME CREATURES YES, i AM," the golem says. The gem eyes spark as the little lights inside them swivel back and forth. "I CAN SEE THE OUTSIDE. I DO NOT LIKE THE OUTSIDE. THERE COULD BE ASSASSINS." Then it seems to notice the hangar. "WHERE ARE we? WHY ARE MY AUDIO recepTOrS deTECiNG PIGS? HAVE I BEEN CONVERTED INTO A FARM TRACTOR? mY fOrMER MASTER SAID I WOULD. HE WAS NOT NICE."
"Assassins?" Apple Bloom asks in confusion. Compared to WHAT creatures is this golem smarter? Apple Bloom tries to answer the rest of the questions quickly as she starts unloading the cart. "We're in Ponyville. Because we haive pigs. No, yer not a tractor. And who was yer former master?"
"I DON'T REALLY KNOW. HE LEFT ME TO SLOWLY DECAY IN A FOREST. I ASSUME HE WAS NOT A NICE PONY," says the golem. "ARE YOU GOING TO BE NICE? YOU PULLED OFF MY HEAD. BUT YOU GAVE ME MAGIC AND SHOWED ME THE WORLD SIDEWAYS. I THINK THAT IS NICE."
"Well, yer a machine. Gettin' taken apart's part of yer... uh... lawf? Ah guess. Ah mean, how else kin someone fix y'all up if they cain't open y'all or remove somethin'?" Apple Bloom doesn't exactly believe the golem's all put together anyway. "Mawt haive to agin anyway, since we're gonna need t'overhaul yer power system, polish y'all up nawce, too. Also, y'all gotta cracked awe there."
"JUST BECAUSE I AM A GOLEM DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT HAVE feeLINGS," the golem says petulantly, or at least makes a good effort at *sounding* petulant. "I CAN FEEL maNY THINGS. I FEEL THE LACK OF POWER IN MY CENTRAL CRYSTAL MATRIX. I FEEL A DISTINCT LACK OF CHARGE IN MY teleKINESIS MODULE. RESTORING THOSE WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL."
"Y'all mean t'tell me yer not supposed t'haive parts removed?" Apple Bloom asks, then has a closer look at the golem. "Unless y'all kin use magic cores, ah haive t'replace at least some o'yer power system."
"I WAS BUILT TO be A VERY GOOD GOLEM," it says. "I WOULD PREFER A THauMATURGIC RUNIC TRANSFER. SYSTEM. WITH. EIGHT HUNDRED chanNELS AND A TWENTY-FOUR. FOCAL POINT GEM MATRIX. BUT SECONDHOOF FARM EQUIPMENT MIGHT WORK. I AM MADE TO WORK IN ALMOST ANY situATION. I HOPE your REPLAMCENT paRtS DO NOT MAKE ME EXPLODE." There is a pregnant pause. "I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE IF I EXPLODE."
"Secondhoof!" Apple Bloom says, as if insulted. "Does mah hangar look lawk i's got secondhoof parts?" Apple Bloom starts rummaging a bit. "C'mon, a magic core should more than handle th'sorta volume y'all need, but ah'm gonna need t'git one. Ah mean, ah'm not even sure they MAKE those gem matrixes no more." Apple Bloom doesn't seem to find anything she could use here. "How long kin y'all last on yer current charge?"
"ABOUT TEN MINUTES," is the blunt answer.
Cripes. Who knew golems were such high maintenence? "Geez, an' ah jus' started gittin' feelin' back in mah hoof." Apple Bloom says. She walks over to the golem and starts getting the pieces all strewn about the floor. You know. Organized. Yeah.
"YOU ARE MY NEW MASTER. I SHALL NOW TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS I RECALL BEING GOOD AT." There is a short pause. "I CANNOT REMEMBER ANYTHING I AM GOOD AT. I MAY NEED A QUICK DIAGNOSTIC WHEN I CAN MOVE AGAIN."
"Yer a lemon?" Apple Bloom asks, then moves around to the side of the Crusader and opens the engine panel. "What's th'last thing y'all remember?"
You say "I THINK THERE WAS VIOLENCE. OR MY MASTER HAD DRUNK TOO MUCH WINE. THERE WAS AN EXPLOSION," the golem answers. Its voice is halting. Could it be the power fading, or some intimation of emotion? "THE EXPLOSION MIGHT HAVE BEEN ASSASSINS. OR. MAYBE. I BROKE SOMETHING. THEN THERE WAS A CART. I WAS TRAVELLING. THEN THE WOODS. A LONG DARKNESS. OH DEAR. MY MASTER LEFT ME IN THE WOODS." Another long pause. "I AM SAD."
Apple Bloom rolls out the sliding chassis containing the Crusader's magic core. Phew. "Ah'm gonna give y'all a bit of a charge. And what's all this about 'assassins?'" Apple Bloom asks, then moves to gather some tools.
"MY MASTER WAS NOT NICE," is the blunt reply. "HE. WAS A WIZARD WONDER. OR WAS HE A WIZARD PLUMBER? PERHAPS HE BROKE SOMEPONY'S TOILET AND THEY wanTED RE-VENGE."
Apple Bloom seems to attach some sort of cabling to the engine, before running it out to the golem. "Where's that input panel agin?"
"ON MY bottOM." The golem's eyes flicker. "MY MASTER MENTIONED MANY ASSASSINS. DO YOU NEED proTECTING FROM ASSASSINS?"
"... Ah'm an apple farmin' filly." Apple Bloom says, then jams the end of the cable right into the port. "Now don't take too much. This here's desawned fer somethin' much bigger'n more powerfuller'n y'all."
There's a loud humming noise, which quickly grows into a massive thrum. The golem's eyes burst into gleaming points of light as power is slurped from the engine, drunk hungrily by a magical battery years out of service. The wire crackles with arcane energy. The golem's legs creak and groan and squeal with the grind of metal on metal, and then the thing *moves.* In one fluid movement it stands up and walks, dragging the cord along with it until it is yanked from the input knob with a loud *ZAP*. The golem looks left, then right. "SYSTEMS FULLY CHARGED," it declares. "SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT EFFICENCY." It takes a step to the door... it walks through the door. It *crushes* the door on the way out, regardless of how big it is. "I FEEL HAPPY. I CAN SEE IN COLOR. I CAN MOVE AGAIN." It turns back to regard the smashed doorway. "I HAVE BROKEN SOMETHING."
Apple Bloom looks up at the door frame. She doesn't seem... overly bothered. Maybe a little. "Oh, t'ain't nothin'. Ah mean, ah cause mah own share. At least three scorch marks here in th'hangar were all me."
"THEN IT IS ALL RIGHT FOR ME TO BREAK THINGS? I REQUIRE CALIBRATION FOR MY KINETIC SENSORS. OTHERWISE I MIGHT CRUSH YOUR SKULL, AND THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BAD." The golem regards its rusty hoof curiously. "ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME A NAME? i WOUld lIKE A name."
"Ah'm not sayin' that. Ah'm jus' sayin' ah'm not gonna treat y'all accidentally breakin' stuff as a big deal so long as y'all-- Sweet Celestia y'all're direct." Apple Bloom finally says to the crushing skull comment.
"THERE IS NO sPEll FOR TACT," the golem says. "WILL YOU GIVE ME A NAME?"
"What name y'all want?" Apple Bloom asks, gathering a different set of tools and begins poking at the golem's body.
The golem makes a great show of tapping itself on the chin as if in thought. It goes *CLANG CLANG CLANG.* "I AM NOT SURE. I WAS NOT DEsignED TO givE MYSELF A NAME. I CANNOT COMPREHEND THE MEANING OF A NAME. THEREFORE I WILL COMBINE DIFFERENT WORDS UNTIL YOU LIKE ONE." There's a burst of static. Maybe that's it trying to clear its throat. "FOAL MEAT GARDENING. GIANT WING NUT. SPIDER FACE. MUNCH THE TAIL. [BUY SOME APPLES. BUY SOME APPLES. BUY SOME] DOGGY TREATS."
Sweet Celestia, this poor Golem. Some might argue poor Apple Bloom but she is growing up on a farm. "Uh... y'all do WHAT t'doggy treats?" Apple Bloom rubs her head. She decides perhaps it is up to her to come up with a name. "Uh... Silver... um,... Silver..."
From the distance, there is the sound of another one of Pinkie's spontaneous song and dance numbers. It's a familiar one. "SMILE," says the golem. "SILVER SMILE."