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Post by Luna on Sept 12, 2012 18:30:55 GMT -5
WHILE SPECULATING ABOUT STRANGE LETTERS LUNA AND CELESTIA MIGHT RECEIVE THAT WERE NEVER ACTUALLY SENT IC, WE WERE TOLD THAT OTHERS MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN SUBMITTING SOME. SO BE IT!
USE THIS THREAD FOR YOUR MOST RIDICULOUS NOT-QUITE-IC LETTERS TO THE ROYAL FAMILY.
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Post by Luna on Sept 12, 2012 18:32:37 GMT -5
'deer prinses lun my brothir sez yur plot is boy howdi if i sechu up wid him wil i get a kyute mark?'
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Post by Luna on Sept 12, 2012 18:32:52 GMT -5
'Dark Lady, Every morning I awake and weep with frustration, for he is not yet dead. He profaned the one pure, perfect creature upon this world with his puerile affections, then profaned again by turning away from her to worship a tawdry stage idol. Bless me, Dark Lady. There are so many I must slay, but my need to wreak violence upon this one abominable cretin burns so I cannot punish the others who stand too close to the innocent light I am sworn to protect. Deliver him to me, that when his bones are broken and scattered I may protect my beauty as she is meant to be protected!'
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Post by Luna on Sept 12, 2012 18:37:52 GMT -5
(The aforementioned are posted with the ABSOLUTE certainty that their players will approve of the joke.)
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Post by Fluttershy on Sept 12, 2012 22:03:12 GMT -5
(This letter was written semi-IC after Fluttershy was made aware of the existence of Luna's descendant Solar Eclipse for the first time. Wild assumptions were made.)
Dear Princess Luna, Um...congratulations on your new baby! I didn't even know you were with foal, but I guess you were. I hope you and the new Royal Prince are doing well. If there's anything you need, I'm as good with kids as I am with animals, and Pinkie Pie loves playing with children, so you can always call on us (if you want to.) Congratulations again. Um..many happy returns.
Your Friend,
Flutterbutter Fluttershy
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Post by Apple Bloom on Sept 13, 2012 2:26:18 GMT -5
(First letter was hilarious, though I always imagined AB was more literate. XD Oh well.) 'Dark Lady, Every morning I awake and weep with frustration, for he is not yet dead. He profaned the one pure, perfect creature upon this world with his puerile affections, then profaned again by turning away from her to worship a tawdry stage idol. Bless me, Dark Lady. There are so many I must slay, but my need to wreak violence upon this one abominable cretin burns so I cannot punish the others who stand too close to the innocent light I am sworn to protect. Deliver him to me, that when his bones are broken and scattered I may protect my beauty as she is meant to be protected!' (Reading between the lines on this one, it looks like SOMEPONY has it in for Marble. At least that's what I think this one's about. The hard part is guessing just WHO is writing this letter. Someone who really very much likes Fluttershy and NOT Marble and apparently never has. I can almost hear this pony performing the Black Sacrament and summoning the Dark Brotherhood in between writing sentences in this letter. XD) ~~~ Dear Princesses, It is with deep deep sadness I must send in this, my letter of resignation, effective immediately, from the position of Keeper of Artifacts, Master of Rituals, and most reluctantly, the Filer of Late Study Paperwork and, inherently, my rank as director of the Late Studies for the Canterlotian government. I know this must strike a very deep blow in the function of the government of Equestria, for we all know how absolutely essential the Late Studies are in the planning, analysis, and rotational wisdom of the bureaucracy that keeps things working. It is a well-known fact that the Late Studies involve the- (A massive coffee stain blots out this lengthy paragraph describing the function of Late Studies and what they are.) --and how cyclical the tables are on the reports as a result. Because of this, neither killer bees nor spoon-wielding midget ponies are qualified to work at an oat cannery in Equestria. This is an essential result of the Late Studies, as you know. As you may also well know, I am getting married this winter in Ponyville, and have already moved in with my fiancée and begun the domestic life I had not experienced before. Unfortunately, meetings with officials in charge of the bureaucracy have shown all to well that accommodating a change of venue for the Late Studies department to Ponyville from Canterlot is no priority of the government, and I had been forced to choose between my happiness and the happiness of my fiancée. Looking back upon this letter I can see clearly that the right choice has been made. I have subsequently sent my resume to the local government here in Ponyville, and I am quite certain I will be welcomed there with my experience as Director of Late Studies. A letter of recommendation would be most appreciated, given my service record. Sincerely, Marble Memory Keeper of Artifacts Master of Rituals Filer of Late Study Paperwork
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Post by Bardigan on Sept 13, 2012 3:01:13 GMT -5
The following was found dumped in a bush outside Canterlot in a box with "TOO THE PIRNSESS" written in giant letters on the top. Along with it came a great deal of crumpled story notes ranging from fantastical to dark and tragic. It is doubtful it got any further than the nearest trash bin.
Dear Prince Artemis
My Lady Luna
just Luna maybe?
Most Honored and Gracious Keeper of the Starry Sky, Minder of Shadows, Mistress and Master of Ten Thousand Suns
To Princess Luna, Keeper of the Moon,
Will you marry me
Your beauty is the million billion suns that shine
You are the prettiest princess I’ve ever seen
I am really drunk, I even threw up on my best suit and had to burn it Don’t worry Diamond Dancer is asleep did you hear I am her keeper now? Such a good filly she is. I love her so much and she is invincible.
Princess Luna. I have been thinking. Thinking of a lot of things and that means I’m a thoughtful pony, which is really how I always like to be seen, and I’m not really proud I’m doing this whilst inebriated. My disposition is most perturbed. a sergeant coming home from war and a little sheep that makes his way in Manehattan
(Large coffee stain)
I didn’t mean to make you upset. I really did try to make a good story for everypony. I tell stories, and was thus commanded to do so. I tried. But it went awry and you commanded me to never tell a story again because of how it was told. I told your story wrong and it is trapped now, in your mind, where it is safe from the ravages of misinterpretation. Do you have any idea how horrible that is for me? How terrible it is to have a cutie mark in storytelling, and to get a story wrong? To get the chance to tell something like that and not give the players justice? I imagine if it was like Kindness stopped being kind, or Celestia found her sun couldn’t light up in the morning. I should make a play about that NO (maybe go with the sheep idea? Change city to Detrot to avoid mixed messages?)
I can’t tell that story ever again though, so what does it matter what I want or think.
(Too accusatory, start again.)
The story is safe now with you. The real you and the real Horizon were not present on that stage, but they should have been. You both deserved to be free that night, to live again amidst a meadow of words, instead of trapped by the cage of my stage, gilded with lights and applauding ponies. Stories must be told, but in the right way. They simply must. Tell it right or not at all. I lie with my cutie mark when a story isn’t told right. I lied that night, I realize now, lied to a thousand ponies about the character of those who keep us safe. Liar liar stinky pyre. I am a bad pony will you punish
Twilight Sparkle was instrumented instur instrumental in putting my mind to rights that night. I realized afterward that she is definitely a wonderful pony. Truly, truly wonderful. I’d like to send her flowers but maybe she’ll interpret that wrong too, ha ha. (Remember that Starswirl story!)
You should pay her more for being an Element, I mean really, a librarian? Shouldn’t she be an archmage by now? Do you have those? Make her one posthaste. She deserves it because she is a wonderful pony like you.
The mistake was all mine, but your’re(s)? too. You gave a story to me and let my mind mold your story, your past self, and I couldn’t do it. You handed me a piece of your soul, and instead of a safeguard I was a taskmaster to it. A blacksmith who brutally welded it into something it wasn’t before. (Too melodramatic?) I got YOU wrong, Luna, and I wrecked you and your story. That is something I never wished to do in a thousand lifetimes. The stories I tell are of ponies, and I care deeply for my fellow ponies. I know you do too. I respect you more than I’ve said. So, so much more. I am devoted to you. You are my favorite princess. Your story will go on after me and I wanted to make sure ponies after me knew the you that I knew and I didn’t do it right. I don’t deserve your mark for this. I was petty to try and make a masterpiece to gain more favor. It is not a master peace if it hurt you at all, if it hurt the story, and the story is the most important part.
actor takes place stage center looks upward to mezzanine
Stories define who and what we are, what we decide to pass on and (stupid she knows what a story is) Stories are important to me is all I’m saying. They are who I am, and getting a story wrong means I get me wrong too. I got it all wrong.
All I’m saying is I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry Luna. I’m sorry Luna’s story. I’m sorry ponies who didn’t see the real Luna. I’m so sorry Horizon, you and your love deserved better. Luna deserves better love than this. You deserve better. I did not deserve this story.
I will do better next time, for every next time I am allowed.
PS: What do you think of my new story ideas I like the one about the flower that finds out its bee lover is cheating on it
NOTE: I MUST BURN THIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
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Post by Skyheart on Sept 13, 2012 11:16:47 GMT -5
Dear Mom and Dad,
Sorry for the delay on this letter. Things have picked up since I signed on that contract with my new publishing agent. I had to set up a myriad of works for presentation including my usual poetry, songs, stories, a novel pitch and even a short play. We'll see what happens then.
Father, I do not as of yet have the money for the legal council you billed me. (You could have at least warned me, by the way. You're not exactly the cheapest lawyer in Manehatten.) I still have to wait through a processing period before a decision is made on my publishing and I finally get paid for my work. I don't get too much on a freelance newspaper rate as of right now.
Mother, for the final time, no, I do NOT have a marefriend yet. I know Starstorm is dating that weatherworker from Cloudsdale. That has nothing to do with ME. I'm fully aware of my romantic talents but, as I recall, you two have standards that must be met. There's... a lack of those who have the qualities you would approve of. I'll find somepony when I find somepony. No sooner than that. (And for the love of Celestia, that tabloid is FAKE! I am not going out with a stallion!)
I haven't heard from Starstorm in a while. Last I remember the guard stationed him somewhere out east- Horseshoe Bay or something like that. I hope he's alright. Have you gotten anything yet?
How's my favorite little sister doing? Are you keeping up with your studies? I didn't hear from you the last time you all wrote so I'm a little worried. I really hope I get to see you soon. I honestly miss putting you to sleep with that lullaby I wrote you. I'm about to mail that drawing you did to the Princess. I'm still not sure why sending to me to then mail it to Canterlot cheapens the postage but... I guess Mom and Dad know what they're doing. I mean it's not like I'm going to put it in the wrong envelope, right?
I don't really have any real news to speak of, unfortunately. I'm kind of in a sort of transit while I wait for everything to sort out. I'll keep you posted if my life decides to get interesting again. Truth be told I'm REALLY nervous about all this. I've started munching on Orpheus's bird seed as a stress reliever. ...It's not too bad. (For the love and adoration of all things held dear in Equestria I hope nopony finds out... I already have enough issues with rumors around here.)
Love, Skyheart
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Post by eclipse on Sept 13, 2012 12:58:06 GMT -5
"spoon-wielding midget ponies"
Marble, that's just insensitive. They don't like the word "Midget" anymore, the proper term is "Shetland Equestrians."
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Post by Luna on Sept 13, 2012 13:53:27 GMT -5
Really, Marble? You don't know anyone in Ponyville who would write a letter like that?
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Post by Apple Bloom on Sept 13, 2012 22:19:51 GMT -5
*Stares at the picture. It all makes sense now.*
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Post by Luna on Sept 13, 2012 23:58:03 GMT -5
Most Favored Playwright,
It is of the greatest fortune that we stumbled over this copy of the writings of Gabby Gums when we did. We were about to accept thy proposal! Now that we know the truth, we forbid thee ever from mentioning it again. Greatly do we cherish thy sense of duty to the crown, but we cannot take thee away from thy true love or make thee pretend to prefer a mare when stallions are thy fancy. We shall be happy to perform the ceremony binding thee forever to thy poet husband. Oh, and the flower idea sounds most artistic. We suggest speaking to the sauce mare Salsa Verde for emotional perspective of being betrayed by a philandering beloved.
Unable To Believe She Thought Thou Were In Love With Her, Princess Luna
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Post by Bardigan on Sept 14, 2012 1:01:55 GMT -5
Dear Princesses,
Will I ever win?
Affectionately, Bardigan
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Post by Derpy on Sept 18, 2012 13:25:30 GMT -5
Bardigan? Make laugh so many time. Please next time if drunk, drink with me.
Yours truly Derpy.
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Post by Skyheart on Sept 18, 2012 18:10:12 GMT -5
Bardigan? Make laugh so many time. Please next time if drunk, drink with me. Yours truly Derpy. I second that motion.
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